More of Who Are We and Tips for Staying Sane

One of the reasons why we want to put our thoughts down in this blog is to share our thought process and talk about the stress and emotional IVF/Asian Egg Donation/Gestational Surrogacy whirlwind you go through as Intended Parents (IPs).

Find a stress relieving hobby to keep you sane.
 I love to garden and take photos.
Scentimental Rose, April 2014
Photo: Baby For Our Family Blog

After much reflection to getting us to this point, we want to share with you:

Helpful Tips for Keeping You Sane

1. Learn from the past.
2. There will be stress, lost of control. But you will move on, promise!
3. Burn The Big Picture in your mind. You and your spouse are a TEAM.
4. Know your limits and be thankful.

Learn from the past

How did we get here? Always look forward, not backwards. From my previous experience with IVF, if I ever had a second chance, I wanted to go somewhere that I felt I was more than a number.  My 1st time I chose UCSF, which while they are great for more difficult IVF patients like me because they are a powerhouse research and teaching facility, I felt they were too clinical and I was just a teaching patient.  I had residents give me vaginal ultrasounds and had small groups watching and observing me during my cycle consults.  When I learned that my IVF nurse coordinator which I had a great relationship with no longer worked there, this was my push, or karma, to try a new place with my new husband for my 2nd time around the fertility merry-go-round.

We ended up at Kaiser without even looking at their IVF success rates because the manner and the comfortableness with the Kaiser IVF RE felt right. We clicked. Kaiser is different from UCSF.  It's not a teaching facility so its just the RE and a nurse with you in the room. I felt this would be much better environment for both our egg donor and gestational carrier for them to be less lab rats and more like human beings without an audience of lab coats observing every move and learning how to use a vaginal ultrasound machine.

Stress, stress, and more stress -- The lost of control. Accept it and move on.

I figured if we were going to spend all this money and time we want to work with people in which we would have strong, enjoyable relationships.  Going through it the 1st time was very stressful and emotional. Words can't really describe the gamut of the highs and lows, the stop and go, and all of the running around. One has to go through IVF to fully understand and once you do, you, and your spouse if you have one, don't really forget.

What I didn't realize before this and now having gone through the 2nd time around is that adding the new layers of needing an Asian egg donor and gestational carrier to IVF takes the stress and emotions to even a higher level and, at times, you just have no control!  This terrible stress, surprisingly, comes from areas you least expect it, and it's NOT from your egg donor or carrier! 

No one wants to go through this scenario unless you really have to. You REALLY must want to have a child in your deepest core because as a couple you go through a lot of stress together and separately, at times stupid, unnecessary, stress, more so than if you were able to go through IVF yourself and carry.  One of you has to be level-headed at any giving time, even while the other one is screaming from frustration.

A key area that I don't see much discussion on or written about is your relationship with your IVF clinic coordinator.  This experience, I believe, can make or break your overall fertility experience. This person can be your advocate/quarterback/mental health counselor all rolled up into one. You'll be spending a lot of time on the phone or emailing with this person while you are going through your donor and gestational carrier selection and their medical reviews. 

This can be going on for months so your relationship can be very deep. I've been very lucky with having two great ones, one at UCSF and now Kaiser. The coordinator has years of experience and has pretty much seen and heard anything and everything. Heavily lean on this person. That person may be able to reduce a lot of your stress and also help facilitate a lot of the back and forth with your donor and surrogate agencies when you don't feel like dealing with them yourself.

Keeping it together and count your blessings

Again, continually reinforce with yourself:  "Why are we here?" "Why are we doing this?" Always keep The Big Picture - visualize your baby in your arms - in your mind to minimize the stress and emotions. For Hubby and me, we keep this visual in our minds:

We're very fortunate that we now have the reproductive technology, live in California and have very caring and generous strangers willing to help people like us achieve our goal.

Having your goal, your main purpose, always in your mind will keep you sane. Always be sure you and your spouse are communicating (and listening) with each other throughout the process. You two are in it together sharing this journey!

Things we learned about ourselves

It's true, egg donors and gestational carriers do "walk on water." After getting to this point with even more running around and the stops and gos than what I experienced with my 1st IVF, if you ask whether Hubby or I would want to be an egg donor or carrier for a total stranger, let alone a family member, we more than ever would say: "HECK NO!!"

Egg donors and gestational carriers work hard, get prodded and pricked, go to half dozen consults and their families, especially the carriers who have children, also make sacrifices, for the compensation they make hands down! We are very blessed and grateful to have two angels and their support groups who were willing to work with us and possibly make our dream come true!  From them you learn the true meaning of patience, helpfulness and empathy.

Love to hear from you:  How did you deal with the stress during this process? How did you pick your IVF clinic? Who was your "helpful angel" or "go-to person" during this time that kept you and your spouse sane?

Who Are We?

After introducing our blog a few days ago, let me now share who we are:

• I'm Chinese. Hubby is Japanese.
• We are an over 40 couple who met at work and in less than 2 years got married last September.
• Each has been married before.
• Each has pretty much have seen and lived in other parts of the world, work high pressure jobs and are homeowners, etc.
• We each have dogs.

I have one and my hubby had two, the older of the two unfortunately passed away in September 2012 of old age, now one. The big one follows the little one around, not vice versa. You can figure out who is the alpha in their relationship.


Our Christmas 2013 card
Photo: Baby For Our Family Blog

Me

From our 1st date we each were straight up honest. We both said we wanted to have children and at the time the only way I thought I could have children was IVF. Starting in my mid 30s, I have tried getting pregnant for 10 years. Went one round of IVF with my first husband and was able to produce great quality eggs, but surprisingly I could not carry and still remember vividly how devastated I was when I received the news that I wasn't on Halloween 2008.

During this 10 year period, my first surgery was for adenomyosis and my 2nd was for fibroid tumors before I began IVF.  I have had super duper heavy periods with excruciating lower back pain throughout, which finally led me to have a robotic hysterectomy last June at Kaiser. This winter was the first time since 2008 that I wasn't taking prescription pain meds because normally with the cold I would have the symptoms of arthritic lower back pain during my monthly. So to look at the positives, I do not have any regrets having a hysterectomy.

Hubby

His first wife works as a elementary school teacher who also has back problems. She didn't want to have kids since she's with them all day long. Unfortunately, this issue wasn't discussed before they got married. So after several years, this, among other issues, was what ended their marriage.

Why the egg donor and gestational carrier route?

Beginning in 2012, I was going through the process of reviewing my fertility at Kaiser which led me to their IVF clinic because I wanted to go through IVF, but my very painful, heavy periods returned starting around 2010 and grew worst with each passing month. I knew I had to get this resolved before I could even start the IVF merry-go-round again. But because of my over 40 age and now my recurring condition, the RE recommended I go back to see a OB/GYN to address that AND strongly recommended that we go the egg donor gestational carrier route because to put it, bluntly, my eggs are old and my uterus is and will be even more damaged than it's already with the 2 rounds of surgery I've had.

Hubby and I did talk about adoption. Did a lot of research for both domestic and overseas adoptions. But it didn't make sense for us because it would take as long or longer with all of the hurdles we would have to jump through for a toddler+.

Reality sinks in

What rang clear for me from my conversation with my RE: "If we really want children, stop wasting time and money. Go get an egg donor and surrogate because in order for me to stop having the debilitating painful periods I will have to have the hysterectomy. My eggs are done. At least, our child will be half Hubby's."

It took three more months to meet with the OB referral to get my June robotic hysterectomy, which recovery time was less than 2 weeks compared to 4-6 with a traditional one. One week after we returned from marrying in Hawaii last September, I contacted the Kaiser's IVF Agency coordinator and she gave me their referral list to review. I, then, started making the calls to set up the initial consultation appointments.

Hubby and I never looked back.

Love to hear from you: What was your decision making process for going with the egg donor gestational carrier route? Do you have any regrets?

Hello World!

Been thinking about starting a blog for a while to share my hubby and my IVF experience in the makings of our modern family.  Last Monday, the Agreement with our gestational carrier (GC) was finally signed. Our GC will start her meds tomorrow while our egg donor will start hers towards the end of this month. It took us about 8 months from making the first call, to our now IVF clinic, to get to this point.

Some of our decisions and observations along the way

Finding the clinic was easy since we went with Kaiser IVF because we are Kaiser members and I am existing patient of one of their REs. They had a list of suggested egg donor and surrogacy agencies they've worked with. I also did HOURS of egg donor and gestational surrogacy research via the Internet. But when I did Google searches for "Asian," "Chinese,"or "Japanese" egg donors, there wasn't much other than the egg donor agencies themselves or how expensive or how difficult it is to find an Asian donor for the various reasons many who are in our situation know too well that I don't need to go into this blog.

In the Asian community, there is stigma about discussing openly your personal health issues outside your immediate family or finding Asians, in general, who are willing to donate medically. I know there are many of us in our situation because the demand for getting an Asian egg donor is so great. Where do you go? Who do you talk to? Who do you trust?

There are support groups for egg donors and surrogates, but for us, Intended Parents (IPs), there aren't any in our local area who are actually going through this process. I've asked around -- our psychologist, IVF agency coordinator, surrogate agency coordinator and egg donor agency coordinator -- and checked RESOLVE. I have found some support and helpful information online via A Child After 40 and Parents Via Egg Donation, but again not specific with our Asian egg donor and surrogacy twist.

Our Kaiser IVF coordinator told us it could take, using multiple donor agencies, 6 months to 1 year to find someone (more on that in a future blog post) while juggling the process of finding a surrogate who is willing to wait for us because I am not able to carry. We never went down the "Ivy League educated $25K+" egg donor route because we're both 1st generation college graduates. I graduated from Cal and feel that it's the environment, or the nuture, that gets you to who you become in life, not a designer egg.

Why not share?

So I thought since we're embracing the IVF technology and using an egg donor and surrogate and had to be extremely open emotionally, mentally and financially to have our modern family, the logical next step is to chronicle our experiences electronically.  In future posts, I will include more about who we are, how we ended up here today and share with you all of our emotions, the good and the bad, and the dreaded costs--I used to joke about naming our baby, "Tesla," but it's now more of a reality when I see that we have just wrote checks totaling in the amount for the fully-loaded model to get us to this point!

Hopefully, our personal experiences can help other IPs who are in our special niche situation because we couldn't find any in one website or blog.

If you are going through this too, please don't be shy and share. I'm trying to form a support group.